Things hopefully seen in the new year

1: Finally, we rid ourselves of Ted Nugent. He is drowned in an actual physical tub of stupidity; the collected and mashed brains of 100 tea party people.
2: A debate between Chuck Norris and a Bonobo for English language instruction at a community college. Chuck Norris is disqualified for not passing the TOEFL; the “Test of English As Foreign Language”. He is referred to the Strom Thurmond Institute for non-English speaking Americans remedial instruction program.
3: Mitch McConnell is replaced by a 100 year old Galapagos Tortoise. No one notices the difference.
4: Glenn Beck disappears; it is discovered the aliens who planted him found their attempt to infect the planet with collective insanity and stupidity a failure. However, the “Rush” and “Ted” implants have been modestly succesful.
5: All former hairband singers wearing cowboy hats and bandanas to cover their balding pate's are forced to remove them in front of troops of laughing japanese schoolgirls.